


Who You've Always Been

by TooSel



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Fix-It, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Healing, Identity Issues, Love Confessions, M/M, Moving, Pining, Post-season 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-07 09:14:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14667942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooSel/pseuds/TooSel
Summary: "He goes, I go. I'm not staying without Mike."It’s a completely ordinary Tuesday when he sits over his files, staring at the breathtaking view of his office, and realizes that it's just not enough anymore.





	Who You've Always Been

Success has always been written in Harvey's stars. Starting with baseball, then the law – whenever he had a goal he climbed the ladder relentlessly, working hard until rising through the ranks became easy, doing whatever it took to get where he is now.

It used to make him so proud, the position he has, the list of accomplishments that grows continuously, reflected in the symbols of his high status like the fast cars or the fancy suits, the glass walls of the firm with his name on the wall or his condo towering high above the city.

And it’s a completely ordinary Tuesday when he sits over his files, staring at the breathtaking view of his office, and realizes that it's just not enough anymore.

So he quits.

As it turns out, a lot of people have something to say about that.

Louis doesn’t believe him at first. It takes all of five minutes to convince him that he’s not leading him on, that this isn’t ‘some sort of sick joke’ and that yes, he has made up his mind. The discussion drags on for ages. It’s painfully obvious Louis doesn’t want him to go.

How far they have come from where they started out.

“Thank you for being my partner all these years,” Harvey tells him. “At times I didn’t think I’d say this, but it’s been a pleasure.”

Louis swallows and looks away, finally accepting his decision with a jerky nod. Harvey feels his eyes on him when he leaves. It’s strange, how being one up on him isn’t as much fun as it used to be anymore.

Donna isn’t shocked. Things went down the drain with her after their short-lived, foolish fantasy that there was anything more between them than what they had all these years. Now they have barely anything, and Harvey doesn’t know if they will ever get to where they were before.

She still knows him, though.

“Are you sure?” is all she asks.

Harvey is not sure about much these days, but this he knows. “I have to do this,” he tells her.

Donna just nods.

“We’re all going to miss you,” she says. Harvey doesn’t know how to respond to that.

She’s right, of course. Once he tells the partners, all hell breaks loose. He watches the resulting chaos calmly, as if he were a passive outsider instead of the cause of the storm.

“My decision is made,” he says. They are going to have to accept it.

The shocked whispers and pleads to reconsider from seemingly everyone and their goddamn mother follow him for days, but Harvey remains indifferent to them. It doesn’t matter what any of them say. He doesn’t care what they think they know or don’t know about him. It’s done.

There is one person who doesn’t say anything, whose reaction is missing from the masses of disbelieving outcries, glaringly obvious in its absence. Harvey deliberately turns away from that thought.

_Move on._

Packing up his things from the office takes a few hours, most of which he spends going through his records, turning every disc over before putting it away along with the memories connected to it.

Packing up his things from the condo would take a hell of a lot more time. Harvey looks around, deciding that he doesn’t want to take most of his belongings with him anyway.

He fills a few boxes with the most important stuff, leaving everything he doesn’t need behind. He may come back for it later. He may come back _to_ it, but right now he just knows that he needs to get away.

He only stops once when he has carried all the boxes outside, looking around the place where so much of his life transpired before he shuts the door behind him.

The drive Upstate takes a while, just over two hours in this traffic. Harvey enjoys the silence.

He is not sure about the route, but when he spots the glaring red of the front door from the other end of the road, he knows he’s in the right place.

It’s brighter than he remembers. Harvey hasn’t visited Hudson Valley in years, since before he even started working for Jessica. The cottage is his dad’s old house. It belonged to his grandfather before that, and it shows. The entire place is rundown, less than inviting to anyone driving far enough to stumble across it. Amidst the whole big load of nothing surrounding it, it looks even more shabby and sad.

Harvey turns off the engine and gets out of the car. The door creaks when he unlocks it, the key taking two tries before it works in the rusty lock. That damn thing. His dad never got it changed.

A look around confirms what he already suspected. Nothing changed since he last came here, and nobody else has been here for quite some time. Figuring that bringing his things inside now is useless, Harvey leaves them in the car and rolls up his sleeves. The cleaning supplies are still where they used to be. He never thought the sight of them would actually make him smile.

He can’t remember the last time he cleaned. It feels surprisingly good to dive into the work and get his hands dirty.

It takes him the better part of an hour to make the cottage habitable. He’s going to have to do some deep cleaning at one point, but that can wait. He grabs his stuff and carries it inside, putting most of it in place right away. His books get a spot on the shelf once he’s cleared out the old magazines that have gathered dust there since last century. His clothes make their way into the closet. He stocks the kitchen and the bathroom with the essentials he brought along. Finally, he takes his laptop out of the last box and sets it up on the far left side of the kitchen table. He doesn’t open it.

After a quick lunch to appease his grumbling stomach, Harvey grabs his keys. He may have quit, but he didn’t get idle overnight. He shuts the door behind him, heading downtown to stop by the hardware store.

It’s not where it used to be, but there’s a new one around the corner. Harvey buys some tools, then returns home to open his laptop after all. He looks up a few tutorials – he remembers some of what his dad taught him, but it’s been years since he put any of it into practice.

Once he feels like he got the hang of it, he starts working. The windows desperately need maintenance so that’s where he starts, having no desire to be kept awake by the wind whistling around him. The longer he works, the more his memories return to him. Eventually he shuts his laptop, not even looking at the instructions anymore.

He’s at it until late that night, falling into bed without doing anything else.

It takes a few days to get everything in order, but after a good week, the cottage is as fixed as it will get. Harvey has settled in, unpacking the rest of his stuff and getting acquainted with his surroundings.

He checks his mails for the first time since he got here. Most of his messages are work-related, people who haven’t yet heard the news or simply refused to accept them. He deletes all of them unread.

The restaurant his father used to take him to is still there, so Harvey goes out for dinner that evening. They even have the same menu. He orders his favorite dish from his teenage years, but it looks different when the waitress puts it down before him, and the taste isn’t how Harvey remembers it.

It’s good, but it’s not what he was looking for. Maybe they changed the recipe. Maybe there’s a new chef. It’s been a few years, after all.

He doesn’t know what he expected. Nothing ever stays the same.

He walks home, wondering if it will ever actually start feeling like a home to him, the way his condo does, or the office did for so many years. Maybe he won’t stay long enough for that. Then again, he has nowhere else to be.

He sits by himself that night, the cottage around him silent save for the occasional creaking of the old wood. There’s a fireplace that they never used when he was a kid. His father was too worried that he and Marcus would hurt themselves, no matter how many times they promised to be careful.

Decades later, Harvey can’t help but feel that his dad was right. He has never been the careful type.

The empty fireplace irks him. Eventually Harvey gets up and lights it, staring into the flames once he sits back down. It’s mesmerizing, the way they dance and cast everything around them in a golden glow. It’s easy to get lost in the sight.

For the first time since he left the city, Harvey wonders if he made the right decision. There’s a heaviness lodged in his throat he quickly identifies as regret, though he doesn’t know what for.

There’s a lot, after all. Harvey has lost so many things over the years, and as he sits and watches the flames, he aches for all of them. His family. Jessica. Donna.

Mike.

It became too much at one point. He looked around himself and all he saw were the holes the things that used to be there had left behind. He couldn’t stay inside the torn fabric of his life anymore. He needed a clean slate. He still does.

He initially thought that what he had left wasn’t enough for him, but he realizes now that he was wrong. It just wasn’t right anymore. Harvey doesn’t know what is. He doesn’t know what he is going to do now, either. How long he is going to stay here.

That’s okay, though. He has time to figure it out.

*

In the years that have gone by, trees have grown and expanded all around the cottage to the point where Harvey can barely see anything when he looks out of the windows.

So he decides to cut them down.

That turns out to be slightly more strenuous than he anticipated. It takes forever too, but that’s fine. Harvey’s got all the time in the world.

It feels good to use his body, though. He is going to ache in all the right places tomorrow, and the knowledge sustains him with enough energy to keep going.

He takes a break around noon, wiping his forehead as he stops and takes his surroundings in. The leaves are rustling in the wind, cooling the sweat that’s accumulated in the hollow of his throat. There’s a bird singing somewhere, though Harvey has no idea what kind.

Nature has never been his thing. His dad was a big fan of getting away every once in a while, but he never managed to pass that urge on to either of his children.

Standing amidst the trees, Harvey tries to feel what his dad must have been chasing every time he came out here, some sense of peace or tranquility that can’t be found in the city.

Eventually he gives up and gets back to work. Maybe his dad never found it either. Maybe he came out here time after time because he kept looking for it.

The trees only keep him occupied for so long. Eventually Harvey goes back inside, his arms heavy and aching, but satisfied.

It wears off within the day.

Feeling a trickle of boredom, Harvey grabs the law textbooks he brought with him. Once he’s made himself a cup of coffee, he sits down and starts reading. He may not be practicing at the moment, but it’s always a good idea to keep up.

Only that he quickly realizes that he has a lot more to say than the book does. Harvey takes a break to make more coffee, then another to fetch his laptop and open a document. At first he only takes notes here and there, then more frequently.

Eventually Harvey shuts the book and devotes himself to his own musings fed by twenty years in the field, which are much more interesting anyway.

Writing is not something he ever saw himself doing, but he’s surprised by how easily the words flow onto the page. He creates a brief outline to remember the key aspects of what he wants to say and lets the rest come to him. It’s an intriguing new approach, allowing him to exercise his knowledge and deal with the matter without being directly involved.

It’s not a bad way to pass the time.

Whenever Harvey gets bored now, he opens his laptop and picks up where he left off. It takes him less than a week to develop a rhythm, and it’s with an unexpected sense of accomplishment that he watches the word count rise.

Donna’s mail, when it arrives the following week, is a pleasant disruption of the routine he has fallen into. He expected her to message him at one point, but it’s still nice to see that she hasn’t forgotten about him.

_Dear Harvey,_

_has it been long enough to reach out? Actually, I don’t really care if you think so or not. I wanted to talk to you, and if you don’t feel like replying, you won’t. How have you been? What do you do with all the time you have on your hands now? Tell me whatever you’re comfortable with. You know I still want to be part of your life._

_Things at the office are fine, save for the occasional catastrophe befalling us now and then. Louis is doing well on his own, though. I think he’s finally starting to accept that you aren’t just pulling an elaborate prank on him. It’s not the same without you, but I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that. We all miss you, but I know you had to leave, and I hope you found whatever it is you were looking for._

_When you’re done brooding, get over yourself and send me a message sometime._

_Donna_

Harvey can practically hear her voice in his head. He smiles. It’s almost like old times.

Maybe they can get there again, with some distance. To how things were before everything got messed up. He would like that.

The next day, Harvey writes back.

They get talking again. It’s not with any regularity, nowhere near what it used to be like, but Harvey enjoys it either way. Of course it’s not the same, with him gone and their common ground taken away. They have to find their footing again first.

But he feels like they are making progress. It’s great, finding a message from her every few days amidst the endless stream of work-related mails and fragments of the life he left behind.

There are still no messages from Mike.

That’s okay. Harvey knew this was going to happen the second Mike told him he was leaving. He has moved on, and so should Harvey.

And he tries.

It’s easier said than done though, especially when there is nothing to move on _from_. Nothing but the lingering possibility of something, always just out of reach until it finally vanished for good. Nothing but fleeting hopes and desires he kept hidden for years, at times even from himself.

_Move on._

He tries.

Harvey goes for a run every day. Since competing against New York’s finest in the courtroom isn’t an option anymore, he competes against himself now. It’s not the same thing, but he has to get his kicks somewhere.

It’s _really_ not the same thing at all, though. Harvey grits his teeth every time his brain reminds him that this is not enough to satisfy the craving inside him, yearning for something more, but he holds his head high and keeps going. The urge will have to cease sometime.

It hasn’t so far, but Harvey is willing to wait.

His presence at the cottage doesn’t go unnoticed, of course. It’s a small town, a place where everyone knows everyone, and he can’t avoid being the center of attention as soon as he leaves the front door.

Harvey is used to walking in the spotlight, though. He makes the best of it. Inevitably, he gets talking with more and more people and is surprised to find that he doesn’t dislike all of them, though he keeps to himself most of the time.

It’s not the worst thing in the world. When he wants some company, he heads to the nearest bar. Sometimes he takes someone home with him.

None of his conquests ever stay. Harvey doesn’t want them to. It’s nice, having a warm body next to his every once in a while, but he knows that none of them can give him what he's really looking for.

The one person who can is never going to.

_Move on._

So much easier said than done.

There is only so much writing Harvey can do in a day. To keep himself busy, he returns his attention to the house. Now that it doesn’t threaten to fall apart at the seams anymore, he can devote himself to the furniture.

There is one piece in particular he has his eyes on. It’s a drawer his dad built when Marcus was still too little to walk. Harvey only has hazy memories of it, but he knows his father spent days working on it while he played in the corner of the room, sometimes stopping to watch him, the sounds of his actions a comforting background noise.

Marcus and he broke the drawer a few years later while chasing each other through the cottage. His father never fixed it, instead disassembling the parts before putting them in the corner, but he knows it bothered him.

He decides to fix it for him.

Harvey hasn’t put a piece of furniture together since his Harvard days, but he figures it can’t be too hard.

He is wrong.

He’s beginning to understand why his dad spent so much time on this thing. There are countless pieces, half of which strike him as expendable, but putting them together isn’t even the hardest part. Getting the drawer to look like his father’s is.

An inkling of irritation rises in him as he takes the whole thing apart yet again, not satisfied with how it turned out in the slightest.

The longer he spends on the drawer, the more frustrated he grows. He just can’t seem to get it right. It doesn’t look like his dad’s at all, something is always off and he can’t put his finger on what it is.

Harvey loses track of time as his focus narrows down on the task at hand. He doesn’t realize how worked up he’s getting until he looks for a missing screw and can’t find it. It’s not where it’s supposed to be. It’s not anywhere, and without it, there is no way Harvey will be able to finish this.

“Fuck!”

The clattering of the tool isn’t nearly as satisfying as he hoped it would be. Harvey grabs the cup of coffee he made and completely forgot about and smashes it as well.

The contents leak everywhere. He watches the pool extend passively, suddenly entirely detached from the situation.

The puddle grows steadily.

Harvey turns on the spot and leaves the room. He gets into his car and, without consciously deciding on it, goes for a ride.

There’s something about driving he has always enjoyed, a sense of freedom that helps him get out of his own head. He drives several miles, no goal in mind except _far away._

There is no music, no destination, nothing but the sound of the engine and his own blood rustling in his ears.

He just drives.

The woods are rushing past him left and right. There comes a point when Harvey stops looking for his dad in them, stops trying to find whatever it is he saw when he came here, and just navigates the car. He drives until the sun sets and his stomach rumbles, the coffee from earlier having long left his system.

It’s pitch black when he feels ready to return to the cottage. Harvey’s hand lingers on the car before he goes inside, a tad more grounded than before.

Saying that he feels better would be an overstatement, but at least his head is clearer.

Harvey switches on the lights, cleaning up the mess first.

He leaves the room without another look at the drawer. He doesn’t touch it again.

*

He aches. Harvey isn’t going to pretend he isn’t.

He is done pretending, especially before himself. He won’t pretend he doesn’t miss his old life either. It was good. Better than what most people have. He had a great home. A job others would kill for. People in his life that had his back.

It was a good life, really.

But even before he left it could never have been the same again.

And Harvey is beginning to make his peace with that.

There is one thing that, even when he had everything else, was always missing. He didn’t admit it for a long time. That wasn’t him, he used to tell himself. He was fine on his own. He didn’t need anyone. He wasn’t the type of guy who was looking for _love_.

Then he met Mike.

And he always knew, from the moment he realized what it was he truly wanted from him, that things were never going to work out in his favor.

Oh, he fought it. He turned a blind eye. He pretended, searched for distractions everywhere, tried again and again with other people.

The feelings stayed, though. Even though Mike didn’t. Even though he left after ripping something inside him open no one else had ever even touched, so thoroughly that Harvey isn’t sure it can ever heal again.

He never said it. Not once, not even to himself.

He never admitted that he loved Mike. That he is _in love_ with him, has been for the better part of their acquaintance.

He always knew, in some part of himself, but saying it is a special kind of hell he never put himself through. Until now.

Harvey hadn’t thought anything could be worse than watching the man he loves get married to someone else, at least until he announced that they would literally ride off into the sunset together directly afterwards. He supposes that’s when the cracks formed, the moment everything started to fall apart into far too many pieces to put back together.

He could have lived with Mike having his happily ever after with Rachel. God knows he deserved it, and Harvey wanted to see him as happy as she seemed to make him. But a happily ever after that didn’t include him, away from New York, out of his reach?

As it turned out, that was the one thing he couldn’t bear.

Standing by the window, Harvey watches the sun set by himself. In a twisted way, his solitude is comforting. This was always going to be his ending. Life isn’t a fairytale. Not for him, anyway. He tried to pretend, tried to ignore that things were in motion around him, that the people he imagined his happy ending with made plans on their own.

That’s why he had to come here, somewhere new, untouched by those his life revolved around, by the memories haunting him at every step. If he was ever going to start over, if he was ever going to figure out if he wanted to return to his old life or begin a new one, it wasn’t going to be back there.

Though this place is not untouched by memories either. He feels close to his father here, closer than he has since he died. He misses him like crazy. That aches, too. But Harvey is used to missing people by now. It’s all he does these days.

The woods grow dark around him as he picks up the pieces of his crumbled life, turning each of them over. There are so many things he lost. So much he can’t ever go back to.

So what’s left?

His dad used to say that if one door closed, another would open. Harvey never much believed in fate, but it’s true that new opportunities always arise, even when you don’t expect them. So if the old things are gone, he’s just going to have to find new ones. New perspectives. New ways to satisfy the itch he used to scratch with gambles and the tricks they pulled.

Harvey goes to bed that night looking at his life and, for the first time, seeing fertile soil rather than a wasteland. Something is going to take root there, he just has to figure out what it’s going to be.

He wakes up the next morning with a clearer head than he’s had in ages. There’s an uncertainty to the hopefulness stirring in his stomach that still has him slightly off balance, but hopeful he is nevertheless.

It’s a new day. And he’s going to take on it and handle whatever comes his way with the confidence of understanding that, despite everything he lost, it’s not so bad.

It’s not alright yet, but it's going to be.

As it turns out, that realization is a sticking point. Going on, Harvey is surprised to find that he is actually _content_. He starts to enjoy this life he built here. Running feels less like a weak substitute for the real thing and more like a way to blow off some steam he actually likes. He appreciates the quiet, the time to focus on himself. The runner’s high, when he gets it, is nice too.

His writing is going well. It gets to the point where Harvey even considers beginning negotiations with publishers sometime. There are a few he still knows from the firm who would surely be happy to work with him. Reaching out to them can’t hurt.

He greets people at the store with a smile, no longer minding their attention. They have gotten used to him by now anyway.

He often drives somewhere when he’s sick of writing and the same four walls around him. Often he leaves his phone at the cottage, so it’s sheer dumb luck that he doesn’t miss the call when he’s out for a ride again. Catching a glimpse of the caller’s ID, he pulls over immediately.

“Jessica? This is a pleasant surprise.”

“I could say the same,” Jessica gives back, and the sound of her familiar voice instantly puts a smile on Harvey’s face. “I’m glad I caught you. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if you would answer.”

“For you? Always.”

“Still as charming as ever, I see.” She chuckles. “It’s good to hear your voice, Harvey. How have you been?”

“Surprisingly good. Believe it or not, I haven’t bored myself to death yet.”

“And thank god you haven’t. I talked to Donna the other day. She mentioned that you two have been in touch, so I figured I’d try my luck.” She pauses. “She misses you, you know. They all do.”

Harvey purses his lips.

“Yeah. I miss them too.”

There is a brief silence that might as well have had Mike’s name written on it. He appreciates that she doesn’t say it out loud. There’s no need to.

“What about you? How have you been doing?”

“Oh, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Sounds like there’s a story in there somewhere.”

“There is,” she agrees. “And one day I’ll tell you, but that’s a conversation best had in person.”

“Well, I wouldn’t mind seeing you again sometime. It tends to get a little boring, the same old faces around here. None of them as beautiful as yours.”

Jessica laughs. “Leaving the city clearly hasn’t made you lose your edge.”

“Hey, I just left town, I didn’t change into a whole new person. I’m still me.”

“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. This isn’t purely a social call. I have something that may be of interest to you.”

“Oh? Let’s hear it.”

Harvey leans back in his seat as she talks about the case she’s working, which is about to turn into a massive class action. She knows just what to include to get him interested, and he finds himself considering different angles and approaches that could help with the strategy before she has even finished.

“This is a bigger class action than we ever pulled off with the firm,” he notes.

“It is. But if we succeed, this is going to go down in history.”

The thing is, Harvey can see it. This case is big, and tricky, but it’s not impossible to win. “It’ll be years before that moves to trial,” he points out.

“I know. And I’ll need the best people out there preparing it with me. Which is why I’m calling to ask if you’re interested. I know you’re too much of a closer to give up the law entirely, and you have the time _and_ the necessary skills. This is right up your alley.”

Harvey can’t say that she’s wrong.

“When you say preparing it with you, you mean…”

“It wouldn’t require you being here. I trust you to do good work, and most of what would come up could be discussed over the phone.”

“I could fly to Chicago if necessary, that wouldn’t be a problem.”

“Even better. So, what do you say?”

Harvey doesn’t even have to think about his answer.

“Are you kidding? Of course I’m in.”

Jessica sounds satisfied and not entirely surprised. “Then I’ll have the paperwork sent to you by the end of the week. I look forward to working with you again, Harvey.”

“Me too. And Jessica? It was good to hear your voice as well.”

Her smile is audible when she says, “Until next time, closer.”

“You bet.”

 _Closer_. He looks at his display after ending the call until it turns black. Then he starts the engine and turns around, heading back home.

*

Harvey wasn’t wrong when he estimated this case to be big. Even with several lawyers working on it, it’s going to take months and months to prepare the trial.

It’s a good thing he’s got nothing but time. Contrary to Jessica and the others she recruited, he isn’t working another job. And so he dives into it headfirst, making it his top priority to get ahead with their strategy.

The preparations take up a lot of his time, but Harvey feels better than he has since he came here. It’s good to be busy, with something that challenges him no less. He likes it, the feeling of having to push through, of meeting resistance and ending up on top anyway.

He reads up on precedents, makes a few calls, and eventually, when it’s time, gets in touch with the firm again.

His pulse speeds up as he dials the number, and it’s only with a little hesitation and a lot of anticipation.

He wasn’t sure how he would react, but Louis agrees to a cooperation right away. Harvey is reminded once again that he isn’t the only one who had to deal with losses over the years. They all changed. They all grew.

They figure out a way to let him access their resources quickly, and the prospect of working with the firm again, even if it’s from here, makes Harvey feel a lot more in tune with himself somehow.

He returns to his work, gets in touch with the paralegals Louis assigned to him for assistance, and builds his case.

Things are going better than Harvey expected. Actually, things are going pretty damn well.

He picks up the phone one night, having worked until the words blurred before his eyes and he couldn’t stand the brightness of his laptop screen anymore.

He calls Donna.

She picks up after the first ring. “Harvey?”

She sounds surprised, and Harvey smiles to himself, leaning back in his chair. It’s been months since he heard her voice, and it’s so familiar and comforting that something inside him immediately relaxes. This is what they were always meant to be to each other, he realizes. Someone they could reach out to if they needed it at the end of the day. A shoulder to lean on.

A friend.

“Donna. How are you?”

It’s the beginning of what turns out to be a long overdue conversation. They talk endlessly, about everything and nothing, the case and what’s happening at the firm and Harvey’s cottage and Donna’s new play. It’s fun, and it’s comforting, and even though he is kind of sad too, Harvey feels better than he has in a long time.

Donna mentions Rachel in passing, but she doesn’t talk about Mike, and Harvey doesn’t ask. It was Mike’s decision to leave, to not make Harvey part of his life anymore, and he is going to respect that. No point in forcing himself into occupied spaces.

An hour passes before he knows it, then another one. It’s gotten dark outside when they eventually hang up.

Harvey sits and thinks for a long time before he turns in for the night. He’s tired, and there’s a lot of work waiting for him in the morning.

He smiles when he realizes that he actually looks forward to it.

*

Standing in the middle of the room, Harvey tightens his hand around the screwdriver as he regards the drawer.

What he managed to put together last time doesn’t look all bad. There’s still a lot to do, but it’s not as terrible as he thought.

Harvey rolls up his sleeves and gets to work.

This time he doesn’t try to recreate his dad’s drawer. He makes a new one, builds it up from scratch to his heart’s desire instead of attempting to copy the one from his memories.

It takes him the better part of the day to finish, but when he contemplates the result, he thinks that it was worth the effort.

It looks pretty damn good, if he does say so himself. Nothing like his father’s, but still good.

“You would have been proud, wouldn’t you,” Harvey murmurs, wiping his face with his sleeve.

Actually, his dad would have smacked him over the head for obsessing over this and then sat him down to have a good, long talk about his emotions. The older Harvey got, the more he hated those.

He misses them now.

He _would_ have been proud of him, his father. Even though Harvey screwed up more times than he can count. Even though he wasn’t the son he deserved to have.

He can’t ever undo that. He can’t ever be the person he wishes so badly he had been back then.

He can’t ever be like his dad.

And that’s okay. He’s still happy.

He scoffs at the thought, but finds that it’s true. Standing here, looking at the drawer, working on the biggest case of his life, he is honest to god feeling happy. It’s only a flutter somewhere in his stomach, whimsical and fickle, but it’s there. It’s more than he’s had in a very long while.

But even more than happy, Harvey feels at peace. He forgot how liberating that is.

Running his fingers over the surface of the drawer, Harvey decides to give Marcus a call sometime. It’s been ages since they talked, and he’s done wasting time with the people he loves.

It’s curious, how nearly every aspect of his life seems to fall into place out here, where he is entirely removed from everything. The only gap that remains is the emptiness where Mike used to be, but even that has changed. It’s not that he misses him any less. He just misses him differently. He has learned to live with the feeling.

It’s not like he can do anything about it anyway, and as long as Mike is happy, it doesn’t really matter. Harvey is doing just fine too, and he couldn’t really ask for more.

*

The sky is a bleak grey today. Without the sun, the breeze is cool enough to make the hair on his arms rise. Harvey glances out of the window critically, then digs a sweater out of his closet before he goes on his run.

He woke up early, deciding that he might as well get up. He takes a long shower once he returns before making himself some coffee and sitting down with his files. His strategy is coming along nicely, the notes growing longer and longer, and Harvey happily buries himself in the work for a few hours.

The next time he looks up, it’s because a car is pulling over outside. There’s a brief silence before he can hear it driving away again. A few seconds later, someone knocks.

Harvey is not expecting anyone.

Pushing his chair back, he gets up. Opens the door. And stares.

Because standing in front of him is Mike. Looking a little older, a little different, but it’s undeniably him. Harvey’s heart skips a beat at the sight, his body awash with sudden adrenaline, though there’s a part of him that is entirely unsurprised, that looks at him and just thinks, _oh, there you are_.

“Mike.”

“So you actually do live here. I wasn’t sure I had the right address.”

His voice. It’s still the same, still the soft melody whispering over Harvey’s skin, so familiar that it makes his breath hitch.

“How did you-“

Harvey cuts himself off, nodding as they say at the same time, “Donna.”

They regard each other.

“You look good,” Mike tells him earnestly.

Harvey raises his eyebrows. “Thank you. I could say the same about you.”

Mike just smiles, the curve of his lips holding words he can only guess at.

“What are you doing here?” Harvey asks. His own voice is mellow, softened by surprise and the genuine happiness of seeing Mike again that's setting in.

Mike seems to pick up on it too, or maybe his tone just happens to match his when he teases, “What, I can’t visit an old friend when I feel like it?”

“Did you just call me old?”

Mike chuckles, the well-known and tender sound washing over him. “I sure did, old man.”

They grin at each other before Harvey raises an eyebrow. “Seriously, I’ve been out here for thirteen months.”

Instead of giving a reply, Mike tilts his head. “Yeah. Why is that? Nobody could give me an answer when I asked.”

“Why didn’t you ask me?”

Mike’s expression grows sheepish, so Harvey adds, “Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m not happy to see you. I just…”

“Wonder what it is that made me show up here when I haven’t called in months?” Mike finishes, his smile almost ashamed.

“Pretty much,” Harvey agrees.

Mike exhales quietly. “Yeah. I think that may be a conversation best had sitting down. If you’re going to ask me in, that is.”

Harvey tears his eyes from Mike’s face to take in his attire for the first time. He’s wearing a pair of pants and shoes Harvey has never seen on him, casual but still miles from the ratty converse he wore when they first met. There’s a bag slung over his shoulder big enough to contain at least one or two spare outfits. Here to stay, then?

Harvey suppresses the tingling excitement rising in his stomach at the thought. When he looks back up, a smile is spreading on his lips. “In that case, you had better get the hell in here.”

He doesn't have to ask him twice. It’s strange, seeing Mike in this house where Harvey spent so much time as a boy, where his dad walked and slept and breathed long before he ever even knew about a Mike Ross.

Mike’s eyes move around with barely concealed curiosity. Something about what he saw makes him smile when he looks back at him.

It’s a good sort of strange, Harvey decides at the sight. Very good, in fact.

“Coffee?”

“Oh, yes. Please. The drive up here took ages.”

Harvey nods and heads for the kitchen. He can hear Mike moving around the room, no doubt taking in all the details. He always was a snooper.

“Thanks,” he says when Harvey hands him a cup.

“Come on. Let’s sit down.”

Silence reigns between them as they take a seat opposite each other, but when Harvey inspects his face, Mike doesn’t seem tense or awkward. He’s looking at Harvey, his eyes narrowed in contemplation.

Harvey takes a sip of his coffee and waits.

“So I guess I owe you an explanation.”

Harvey smiles into his cup. “I guess so do I.”

The corner of Mike’s mouth lifts. “Always in competition. I forgot. You wanna go first?”

Harvey lifts his shoulders. “I’m not sure what you expect me to say. Yes, I left the city. There’s no big story behind it. Things just… weren’t right for me anymore. So I quit.”

“And came out here to do some soul-searching?” Mike teases, but Harvey can tell that he’s genuinely trying to work things out.

“I came out here because I needed a change, and I hadn’t yet figured out what that was. I just knew that I had to leave. You of all people should know what that’s like.”

At Mike’s unconvinced look, he adds gently, “I had a good run. It was time for something new. Same as you.”

Mike blinks and looks away. Harvey watches his forehead crease in thought before he shakes his head a little.

“So this is it? Are you just going to… stay out here?”

“No.” Harvey halts, surprised by how sure he is. It’s true, he realizes. For the first time since he got here, he is certain of what he wants, and it’s not to stay here. This was never intended to be his final destination, just a stop along the way he needed to take. “I’m just here for the moment, until I figure out what’s next.”

He takes another sip of his coffee, then says, “But enough about why I’m here. The real question is, why are _you_?”

Mike halts his cup halfway to his mouth. Pressing his lips together, he puts the coffee down untouched before he meets Harvey’s gaze.

“I owe you an apology,” he begins. “There are some things I have to tell you, but… I need to say this first. I’m sorry, Harvey. For just leaving like that, and for not keeping in touch. It was unfair to you, and it must have given you an entirely wrong impression. That’s why I’m here, to… try and make amends.”

Harvey opens his mouth, but finds himself at a loss for words. “What kind of impression?” he eventually asks.

Mike squares his shoulders. “I never wanted to make you feel like you didn’t matter to me, Harvey. I didn't mean to cut you out of my life as if you meant nothing. That was never my intention.”

It’s exactly what he did, though.

Harvey doesn’t say it, the words too cruel to speak aloud. He doesn’t hold it against Mike, doesn’t begrudge him going off to live his life. There’s no need to make him feel bad by saying how it is when it’s not going to change anything.

Looking at his face, he thinks that he knows anyway.

Mike exhales quietly. “But that’s just what happened, isn’t it? I got… so caught up in everything. Moving, and starting the new job, working day and night for something that felt like it was what I was meant to do, and before I knew it, a month had passed and we hadn’t heard from each other once. And then it was two, and then three, and… the longer I stayed away, the harder it got to just pick up the phone and pretend nothing ever happened. I know it was me who put that distance between us, but it just seemed to grow and grow until it was… insurmountable.”

He sucks in his lower lip, watching Harvey quietly as he works up the nerve to say his next words.

“And if I’m honest, maybe there was a part of me that wanted to keep that distance. Because leaving you behind was rough. I only realized how much once I’d already left, and… it made me regret what choices I’d made.”

“Like the decision to leave?”

“Like that,” Mike agrees after a pause. He meets Harvey’s eyes. “I really am sorry. You never called either, though.”

Harvey runs his finger over the rim of his cup. “You were leaving your old life behind. I was part of that. I was letting you go.”

He looks up when Mike meets his statement with silence. It may have been too revealing, but weirdly enough, Harvey doesn’t feel like he has to hide anymore. Maybe it’s the time he spent here on his own, showing him what matters and what doesn’t, that there are things he should say when he gets the chance before it’s too late. Or maybe it’s how forthcoming Mike is himself, making it so easy to let the words fall from his lips.

Mike doesn’t look put out or confused by his unusually emotional declaration. Instead, he looks hopeful.

Harvey swallows. “Mike, why are you here?”

“I told you. To put things right. If I still can.”

“Why shouldn’t you?”

_You think this is enough for me to turn my back on you? You think this is enough for me to send you away?_

“Because I messed up big time, Harvey. In more ways than I can count. And I didn’t even notice at the time. I didn’t realize that I was giving up the best thing that ever happened to me when I left. I didn’t realize I was treating you like shit until it was already too late. Like you weren’t one of the people I love most but rather some acquaintance I’d made in passing.”

Harvey doesn’t know what his face displays, but Mike’s softens at the sight of it.

“Oh, come on now," he says gently. "I’ve loved you for a long time, Harvey. You must know that.”

Harvey swallows twice before he gets his voice to work.

“I did. I do. But I also know it's not enough.”

The blood is rustling in his ears at his own admission, at the territory they are heading towards.

“Not enough,” Mike repeats, exhaling something like a laugh. Harvey catches his eyes, raising a brow.

“Do you know,” Mike begins, pursing his lips, “that after I left New York, everything kind of fell apart? That’s another reason I didn’t call, I suppose. I didn’t know how to say that I’d taken that massive step only for everything to crumble. The work wasn’t… it was good, and it’s really important, but the way things are done at the firm didn’t really work for me. I tried, I really did, but I knew pretty early on that it wasn’t what I was going to spend the rest of my life doing. And things with Rachel… got different.”

Harvey’s coffee is growing cold as he sits and listens, absorbing Mike’s words in silence. He doesn’t even notice.

“Different how?”

Mike regards him quietly. “Let me put it this way. I’m here, with you, in this house I’ve never set foot in before, and it’s the most at home I’ve felt since I left New York. What does that tell you?”

“That you should consider marriage counseling?”

Mike’s smile is crooked, but not in a way that suggests he is really hurting. There is an air to him that Harvey can’t quite pinpoint, something like acceptance, like he is at peace despite everything.

“I think we’re past that point, Harvey. We had a good run, Rachel and I. But we bit off more than we could chew, and it blew up in our faces. That ship has sailed. Now it’s time for us to move on.”

“What are you saying?”

Mike smiles. It’s all kinds of sad and wise beyond his years. It stirs something inside Harvey that he hasn’t felt in a long time.

It almost feels like hope.

“You’re right, I should do this properly. I owe you that much.”

He slides to the front of his seat, his eyes brimming with determination and sincerity.

“I think you know where this is going, but bear with me. Harvey, you are without a doubt the person who has changed my life the most, in the best possible way. You’re the one who was always there for me when I needed it, who always had my back, who taught me how to be the person I was meant to be. I wouldn’t be who I am without you.”

He exhales deeply. “I know you may not want to hear this, but it’s the truth nevertheless, and I’m done pretending it’s not. So I’m saying this, and you can do whatever you want with it. I love you, Harvey. I’ve been in love with you for years, and I’m telling you that I know by now it’s not going away. It’s not a temporary crush like I told myself in the beginning. This is real. I love you, and I don’t think I’m ever going to stop.”

He clasps his hands together, perhaps to hide that they're shaking a little. 

“I want to be honest with you, so full disclosure, there is still a lot of healing and moving on I have to do. Same as you, I suppose. But right now all I want is to be here with you and… just let you know.”

“Mike,” Harvey says.

“Yes?”

“Stop talking.”

He rises from his seat, putting his coffee down without a thought for the contents spilling everywhere.

Mike blinks at him. “What-“

“Get up,” Harvey requests quietly. “Please.”

Mike stands up. Harvey’s heart feels like it may burst out of his chest, because this entire situation is _unreal_ , but even more so, it’s undeniable.

Suddenly everything Harvey wants, everything he never thought he could have, is just an arm’s length away.

“Do you mean it? Are you a hundred percent certain that this is what you want?”

“I am,” Mike says, and his voice leaves no room for arguments. “This is what I want, Harvey. The only thing I’m unclear on is whether it’s what you want, too. But there is no doubt about what I feel for you. Not even the slightest bit.”

He steps in, raising his hand to Harvey’s cheek. He smiles when Harvey doesn't draw back. When he touches him, it’s unbearably gentle.

“So what do you think? Is it enough now?”

The words are too quiet, too still for the weight they carry.

Mike holds his gaze steadily. There isn’t much left for Harvey to say.

“I think there’s only one way to find out,” he tells him, and before Mike can as much as process his words, he leans in and meets his lips with his own.

The kiss is unlike anything Harvey imagined on the rare occasion that he allowed his mind to go there. It’s quiet; beautifully, peacefully quiet. He can hear Mike’s breathing, his own exhale over the pounding of his heart as the tension of more than seven years seeps out of him.

Mike parts his lips the slightest bit, and Harvey follows his lead, sighing softly when he enters his mouth. The taste of him is warm and familiar in a way it has no right to be. He tastes of what Harvey’s longing is made of, and a sense of rightness floods him at the thought, taking up all the space in his head as his focus narrows down on the soft pressure against his mouth.

And there it is, the tingling sensation he hasn’t felt since he left the city, the thrill of diving into unknown waters, making him feel more alive than anything else.

Harvey has finally found it again.

Mike makes a low sound in the back of his throat, his breathing growing heavier, and a spark of arousal shoots through Harvey. It feels entirely natural to wrap his arms around Mike’s waist, pulling him closer until there is no space left between them.

Both of their chests are heaving when they eventually part. Harvey keeps his eyes closed, just taking it all in.

Mike is looking at him when he finally blinks them open, his cheeks flushed and a giddy smile on his lips.

“Hey,” he murmurs.

Harvey grins as a wave of pure, unadulterated happiness washes over him. “Hey yourself.”

“So, that…”

“Don’t ruin this by talking,” he teases.

“Is there anything that could actually ruin this?”

“No, I don’t think there is.” He brushes the soft skin of Mike’s cheek. “You know what?”

“Hm?”

“It’s enough.”

Mike’s smile grows. “I don’t believe this will ever be enough,” he says, and then he leans in and captures Harvey’s lips again.

Harvey lets himself be kissed happily, wallowing in the marvel of the sensation before the urge for more kicks in and he pushes against Mike’s hip. He pulls back only reluctantly, which draws a smile from him.

“What-“

“Bedroom’s that way.”

Mike chuckles. “Sure of yourself, are you?”

“I am.”

For the first time in what might be ages, he actually is.

Before Mike can say anything in reply Harvey is kissing him again, walking him backwards towards the bedroom.

“You're really here. You came back,” he murmurs, kissing down his jaw. Mike sucks in a sharp breath.

“I did,” he agrees, grabbing his face to seek his lips again. “I'm back,” he repeats in between kisses. “And I’m never leaving again.”

_Never._

“Mike?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you too.”

Mike’s smile is blinding, almost too beautiful to disturb, but the need to kiss him again is stronger than the desire to admire the sight. So Harvey kisses him again.

He doesn’t stop for a long, long time.

*

Harvey wakes up in the early hours of the morning. He only slept for a little while, but he’s wide awake the moment he opens his eyes to find Mike next to him, one arm wrapped around him in his sleep.

The sun is falling into the room through the blinds, painting everything in a soft golden glow. It’s quiet, quieter than the city could ever be. Mike’s breathing is the loudest sound, a little snuffle escaping him every time he exhales that Harvey can’t help but find adorable.

It’s been so long since he saw Mike, and a lot longer since he allowed himself to really look at him the way he wanted to. He takes the time to do so now, to drink in all the details of his appearance that changed and everything that stayed the same.

The sight of Mike in his bed is both exciting and comforting in how utterly, fundamentally right it feels. This is the piece of the puzzle that’s always been missing. This is what Harvey was looking for and never managed to find.

Mike huffs in his sleep, rolling over to get closer to him. His arm tightens around him before he relaxes again. It makes Harvey smile, and once he starts, he can’t stop.

“Who knew,” he mutters to himself. Who knew he could have something like this. Who knew that after everything that happened, this was what was waiting for him.

There may be something to the concept of getting lucky after all.

Time progresses slowly in the quiet room. He enjoys every minute of the sun moving across Mike’s features, relaxed and so achingly familiar that his heart contracts.

Watching his chest rise and fall, it dawns on Harvey that he is finally ready to go home soon.

Not yet, though. Not yet. Not when Mike is in his arms, peacefully asleep for now, the scent of him still all over his body and his taste lingering on his lips. There is a lot more Harvey wants to do before they leave this place, a lot to catch up on after years of quietly wanting.

But after that, they can go home. Together.

It will be different. They will have a lot to talk about, where Mike is going to work, where he will live, how things with Rachel are going to play out. But as long as he gets this, waking up to Mike in his bed, knowing in every part of him that he loves him as much as Harvey does, there is nothing he isn’t ready to face.

_Lucky, lucky, lucky._

He is. That’s what kind of man he is, he understands that now. He’s a lot of things, a great lawyer and an adrenaline junkie at heart and maybe a bit like his father too on a good day, but most of all, he is goddamn lucky.

He looks at Mike, and Harvey smiles, because it may have taken a long time to get here, but he has finally found his place.

**Author's Note:**

> HEY I'M NOT DEAD! Guess who was like "why don't I choose not just one but TWO prompts on top of this monster of a fic I'm writing"? I have no self-control. The good news is that I'm almost ready to kick things off now, so both the second prompt and the beginning of my new multichaptered fic are coming this month!
> 
> Written for the prompt "Identity Crisis" in relation to We Stay, They Stay. As always, English isn't my native language. Feel free to point out any mistakes! If you enjoyed the fic, have anything to say, or want to give me concrit, comments mean the world to me <3


End file.
